25th November 2016 brought those two little pink lines, the lines that make your stomach drop and heart race even if you’re wishing for them. The lines that make you gasp, cover your mouth, then freeze before you run to you room and stare at that stick for what feels like eternity.
The two weeks following were filled with sweet daydreams of that newborn bubble and Harper becoming a big sister.. until December 7th, the dating scan.
I was SUPER nervous leading up to the appointment, with those niggling fears and ‘what if’s’, although not the kind I was about to be hit with.
The ultrasound started and my eyes were locked on that little screen suspended from the ceiling. What I was looking at wasn’t what I remember from my dating scan with Harper….. “So how many kids were you planning on having?” No words came out to answer the synographor’s strange riddle. “Because you’ve got two in there.” He continued.
That’s where my entire future changed.
“What. Is this a joke? You must be joking.”
If I’m completely honest, the news didn’t bring me happiness, it changed every feeling I had surrounding the pregnancy. I was no longer daydreaming about how beautiful it would be, I was filled with fear. Would I cope with this pregnancy? Would there be complications? Could I handle having two newborns and a toddler? Could I still give Harper the time, love and attention she deserves?
I raced to a really close friend right after the ultrasound, she knew something was up as soon as I got to door. But the support that this friend showed me, really helped me get through those first few weeks, weeks I’m not sure I would have coped with without her.
I was also so lucky that my husband never saw the news as a set back. He took it calmly the same way he handles everything else life throws at us.
That afternoon noon I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I was so overwhelmed. Coming to grips with what was now my reality was a real struggle. For the next 7 weeks I lived in a daze of shock and confusion along with tears, vomit, and crippling migraines. My belly grew fast, but that bump appearing before my eyes didn’t come with a feeling of attachment.
The 12 week mark came and brought my first appointment with the obstetrician. She told me all the terms and conditions for the labour and birth (a whole other story) and decided to have a quick peak at how the babies looked via ultrasound.
I had no idea it was about to happen but, that’s where everything changed for me.
Seeing those two little babies wiggling around in there smacked me right in the heart. I grinned the entire drive home thinking about how strong they looked. I was finally feeling the love and attachment that was missing during the weeks prior.
But I also felt incredibly guilty and forgiving myself for all those initial feelings was my next obstacle.
Later that afternoon I really broke down, I had so much regret about all those thoughts and fears. I felt awful that it took me so long to be happy with the the thought of these two little blessings we had been given. I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mother I was for feeling so disconnected all this time. It was so unfair to feel so ungrateful, we were given double what we had asked for! It took me this long to think about the real reality. That reality was that we were going to experience double the love.
After announcing my twin pregnancy I was so overwhelmed with how people responded. Many people who hadn’t had twins said really unhelpful things that make me roll my eyes or bite my tongue. Things like, “You guys are crazy!” “Good luck with that!” “Better you than me!” “You’re going to be enormous!” “I feel so sorry for you!”
That was just a few.
But what was truly overwhelming was the way I became part of a new community.
A community of twin Mums.
I had countless women from all over the world reach out me to congratulate, support, offer advice, and just be there to answer my burning questions. These women didn’t know me but that were so graceful and welcoming, I felt so honoured and privileged to become one of them.
They all told me it would be a challenging journey but one that would be outweighed by love and beauty.
I’m now 17 weeks pregnant, loving my babies, excited for the future and wearing the Twin Mama badge with pride.
This has been roller coaster of emotions that I never thought I’d feel. It really has shown me that we all process things definitely and there is no right way to feel. God had a plan for us, I just didn’t know it yet.